80s Teen Sex Comedy Festival: Part #1

For a brief, glorious period back in the day, probably about the time when I was in the fifth or sixth grade, our family had HBO. Now, we weren't allowed to tell people we had HBO, because we had one of those nifty little decoder devices that allowed you yo just flip a switch and descramble the signal to premium channels (Illegal? You bet!). We didn't have it terribly long before the cable company's technology sent the homemade descrambler the way of the Dodo, but it was fun while it lasted.

What I remember most about that time is staying up late on the weekends, well after everyone else had hit the hay, and watching the movies that came on in the wee hours. You know the ones. Post-Porkys, Post-Fast Times teen flicks that followed a group of horndog guys through their misadventures trying to "score." Well, I thought it would be interesting to revisit five or six of these movies for a little series of reviews.

My Tutor
(1983)

In this taboo tweaking tale, a rich man hires a tutor to help raise his son's test scores in order to gain entry into the hallowed halls of Yale. Before long, the attractive, older woman is teaching the young man much more than daddy bargained for.

As the film opens we find over-privileged, vaguely effeminate, and infinitely whiny Bobby Chrystal (Matt Lattanzi) failing to make the grade on a final exam, but the real humiliation comes later that evening when he and his two bumbling buddies can't even seal the deal at (horror of horrors) the local whore house. The next day, things go from bad to worse when Bobby learns that his father will be cutting his summer vacation short by hiring a live-in tutor to help him pass the test.

Television vet, Caren Kaye plays part-time tutor/part-time aerobics instructor (seriously, are all the women in these movies aerobics instructors?), Terry Green who arrives at the sprawling Chrystal estate to tutor young Bobby in... wait for it... French. Of course, it's not long before the two begin making like the bunnies do. As their relationship develops, it soon becomes clear that the end of the summer not only brings with it the dreaded French exam, but also the end to Ms. Green's horizontal tutelage.

It's hard to say why My Tutor stood out in my mind as one of the better of the 80s teen sex romps from back in the day. It certainly couldn't have been the riveting story. Re-watching it, I was kinda surprised by how simplistic the plot was. It seemed like the filmmakers tried to go the Fast Times at Ridgemont High route and mix comedy with realistic teen drama, but the stakes in this one were just too low and the characters completely unsympathetic. Really, I'm sure that my infatuation with this movie had more to do with the fact that the BPMs (boobies per minute) clocked in astoundingly high. Seriously, I might have to watch this one again with a stop watch to calculate the avaerage amount of time between boob exposure. It can't be more than five minutes.

More than anything else, this movie is interesting because it is the film debut of Crispin Glover, and while the goofy Jack character is underdeveolped at best, you can still see the beginnings of Glover's bizarre onscreen persona. It's like he purposely uses that strange phrasing he does to give this peripheral character in a subpar movie a real presence. Also worth noting in this film are two gloriously cringe-inducing songs that represent all t hat is simultaneously good and bad in this genre. The My Tutor theme is a porntastic, falsetto-groove that'd sound just at home in one of those local commercials as in a feature film. "The First Time We Make Love" tries to be a sweetly endearing ode to love and affection, but falls short as the smarmy soundtrack to statutory rape. Even taking these interesting aspects into consideration, unless you're some kind of 80s Skin Flick completist, I suppose you don't have much reason to check this one out. Giving the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt... the subject matter might have been sexy in the eighties, but in a post-Mary Kay Letourneau world, it'll probably just make you wanna take a shower.

Random scooter wipe-out from My Tutor.

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Post-Turkey Day Round-Up!

Tricia and I hosted the Thanksgiving holiday for the first time this year, and looking back it was pretty much a complete and total success. I figured I'd use this opportunity to run down the menu and rate the quality of the top five items I slaved over for the better part of yesterday. Please note that this list does not include the chestnut stuffing we made, as it ended up looking a whole lot like dookie.

#5. Brined Turkey

Alright... it's official. I'm finished spreading the gospel of brining your Thanksgiving turkey. Don't get me wrong. I brined our turky this year and it was as juicy and flavorful as ever, but later Thanksgiving night I heard a turkey brining reference on ER. E freakin' R! Did you even know that show was still on? Yeah, that show hasn't been relevant since Clooney introduced the world to the Caesar cut. So, while I'll continue to give my gobbler an overnight dip in a bath of salty goodness, I think I'll just keep it to myself.

#4. Grated Sweet Potato Pudding

Growing up, I always got the sickening mallow-topped goo that looked about as appetizing going in as it did coming back out. Only in my adult life have I begun to warm to this surprisingly versatile un-spud. This time instead of going the mashed route, we took Sirley O.'s ole-timey advice and went with grated (actually food-processed) potatoes. Thinking the appearance to be a bit boring, we upgraded the dish with a quick streusel topping. Though I was pleased with how this dish turned out, I would like to give this one another shot with fresh rather than ground ginger. I dunno, I just think it would benefit clean flava of the fresh stuff.

#3. Green Bean Casserole (From Scratch, Baby!)

Green Bean Casserole was invented by Campbell's Soup back in the mid-'50s, presumably to boost sales of their practically inedible on its own cream of mushroom soup. I fell in love with the french onion topped stuff in the early nineties, at a carry-in dinner of course, and looked forward to digging into it at every subsequent gastro-centric social event. A recent issue of Cook's Illustrated featured a recipe for green bean casserole that did away with all of the processed foods that make up the traditional dish and recreated all of the flavors with fresh ingredients. I knew right then and there that the recipe would be making an appearance on our Thanksgiving table. I totally hated cleaning and cutting the two pounds of fresh green beans, but it was totally worth the effort. The result was ten times better than the casserole you're used to.

#2. Bourbon Pecan Pie

Another Shirley O. recipe, this was one of those things that you just don't think of people making at home. There's a reason for that too. Pecans cost about a zillion dollars a pound. This recipe called for both pecan pieces AND pecan halves. So, the pie ended up costing like $25. Still... it was worth every penny. It's always amazing when you try and replicate a food you love at home and when you get done you're like, "Yup, that's pecan pie, alright." Plus... it had booze in it.

#1. Sweet Cornbread Pudding

I just sorta ganked this one off the web whilst checking out AB's brined turkey recipe. It was the last addition to the menu and oddly enough will probably be the recipe that I revisit the most between now and next Thanksgiving. I nice, light alternative to regular cornbread or corn pudding-type thing... except this one jacks the flavor up to 11.

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