Guillo-Teen Drama!

Marie Antoinette
(2006)

Much has been made of Sofia Coppola's use of contemporary music in this lush period piece. Something about seeing the 18th Century French court set to strains of lesser new wave hits puts me in mind of the teen-oriented dramadies made popular in the eighties. You know, Marie Antoinette really has a lot in common with Hughes-ian, popular female characters. Much like Claire from The Breakfast Club, Marie is a teenager of privilege. Sure she's got lots of money and few responsibilities, but a life of luxury does not mean a life without problems.

Marie has been married off to the Dauphin (and future King Louis XVI) in order to maintain good relations between her native country Austria and France. Forced to leave everything she has ever known behind, Marie spends the first act of the film in a typical "fish out of water"-type scenario. It's apparent quite early that young Louis (Jason Schwartzman in a pitch-perfect 18th Century nerd performance) is a bit apprehensive in "closing the deal" with his new bride. Marie is essentially the cheer captain forced into attending the prom with the chess club president. It's Molly Ringwald and Anthony Michael Hall ... but with powdered wigs.

As the story progresses and the royal couple go longer and longer without an heir to the throne, Marie begins to take ownership of her position and in doing so endears some and alienates others. Alongside an ever-present entourage, Marie creates a fantasy world within the walls of Versailles. With extravagance to spare, her royal court exists within a bubble unaware that the world around them is on the brink of collapse. And though you may believe her when she denies making the "let them eat cake" remark, you'd have a hard time denying that the sentiment rings true. She's become the "mean girl" who doesn't understand the damage she's doing, and when the French hoards come knocking it takes her by surprise.

About half-way through this movie, it dawned on me that the amount of dialogue spoken was surprisingly minimal. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that there are more words in the review I am writing right now. Still, the movie doesn't suffer at all for it. Coppola is skilled at telling stories in a purely visual way. She's adept at capturing moments - sometimes subtle, sometimes overt, always powerful - that serve to tell the story on their own. Redundant dialogue is trimmed away, leaving a lean, beautiful and direct film that doesn't underestimate the intelligence of the audience.

A lot of people have insisted on pointing out the number of production flaws in the film. Supposedly boom mics dip into the shots on ten or more occasions in the movie. In fact, I never noticed a single incident of this, but even if I had, I'd have to point out that it's the price you have to pay for actually filming on location in the palace at Versailles. The film is a work of beauty and a testament to the power of film as a visual medium. Instead of a stuffy biopic, Coppola has adapted classic teenage drama to the royal court of 18th Century France, and surprisingly loses nothing in the translation.

Let them watch trailers.

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80s Teen Sex Comedy Festival: Part #3

Fraternity Vacation
(1985)

Okay. So, I'm breaking the rules. Not "breaking" them so much as bending them, really. Though not explicitly stated, the perameters of a "Teen Sex Comedy Festival" implies high school hijinx. As you probably surmise from the title, Fraternity Vacation is not a high school movie, but instead centers around a group of college buddies heading to Palm Springs for winter break. While Joe and "Mother" seem to be relatively "experienced" members of the Theta Pi Sigma fraternity, geeky pledge Wendell Tvedt is an eighteen year old with a severe case of arrested development. So by my estimation, that puts hime in about the same boat as most other protagonists we've encountered so far.

Upon arriving in Palm Springs the trio run into a pair of rival members of a more upscale fraternity who prove to be intent on ruining spring break for the "Theta Pigs." Joe and Mother refuse to take the abuse lying down... or maybe I'm better off saying that while refusing to take the abuse, they do indeed make a bet as to which fraternity will be the first to be lying down naked with local hottie Ashley Taylor (Sheree J. Wilson). Hijinx ensue as the two fraternities hatch elaborate schemes to fenagle their way into Ms. Taylor's undergarments.

With Mother and Joe preoccupied, Wendell is left to his own devices and strikes up a friendship with Nicole Ferret (played by "Married With Children's" Amanda Bearse), the daughter of the local police chief. Without the guidance of his frat brothers, Wendell is forced to take trial and error approach to this whole party with the opposite sex thing. As you would probably expect, a series of missteps lands Wendell in hot water with the local po-po and threatens to end his relationship with Nicole.

The movie is just as formulaic as it sounds and offers up a twist ending that Ronnie Milsap saw coming. Aside from an interesting, pre-photoshop porn-faking scene, there's not much here to hold your attention. Fraternity Vacation is probably most notable because it is one of the earliest screen credits for Tim Robbins, who plays embodies the role of Larry "Mother" Tucker with such zeal that you just know he's destined for success in producing didactic, one-act plays that no one actually wants to see. But probably more interesting is the career of Stephen Geoffreys who plays Wendell Tvedt.

Fraternity Vacation followed up Stephen's supporting role in the cable tv standard Heaven Help Us. Afterward, he parlayed his notoriety into a starring role in Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund's directorial debut, 976-Evil in 1989. In 1991, after a string of television appearances and straight to video roles Geoffreys left the mainstream spotlight and entered the world of... wait for it... gay porn! Yes, between 1991 and 2002 Stephen Geoffreys assumed multiple stage names (Larry Bert, Stephan Bordeaux, Sam Ritter ) and produced such adult, man-on-man classics as, Mechanics Bi Day... Lube Job Bi Night, Latin Crotch Rockets, and who can forget Leather Intrusion 4: Down to the Wire.

Anyway, I guess that Fraternity Vacation is like a reminder of a time when things were simpler. You know, back in the days when if you put down money on a sex bet... hetero sex was implied. Of course, those days are gone, but we still have the warm memories and of course, the trailer to keep us warm at night.

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Kuwarta418: The Final Chapter?

Dang! Kuwarta418 is like Rutger Hauer in The Hitcher, man. Just when you think he's down for the count... you ain't seen or heard a thing from him... he shows right back up, as evil as ever.

This time around he's contacting bidders in my auction and telling them not to bid. Yeah, it's pretty shady. I got word from a bidder that he had been attempting to sabotage my auction earlier tonight. I fired off a note to the ebay po-po straight away. What follows is my note advising Kuwarta418 as to exactly what I told the ebay folk:

Kuwarta,

I hope your holidays are going well. I sure know that they've been busy! I thought that you would be interested in reading the note I had to send to Ebay this evening. You had to know that it was inevitable, right? Anyway, the note follows:

I have recently been having problems with a member with the screenname, kuwarta418. I recieved a question from the leading bidder in auction #220063512664 bidder informing me that kuwarta418 is contacting my bidders and advising them not to bid on my items.
If this member's actions negatively affect my auction, I assume I will be permitted to relist the item with insertion fees and other charges waived.
His violations are an act of harrassment and a violation of policy in response to a mistake I made earlier this week and quickly rectified. I used a picture he had taken (not knowing it was against Ebay's policy to do so) and took it down immediately when it was brought to my attention. Currently my listing includes a picture that was taken by ME and is clearly labeled as such.
I would prefer that this auction be allowed to continue without such harassment. With only twelve hours left, however, I believe there is probably little that can be done to prevent this member's continued violations. I do hope, however, that you might be able to assist me in relisting this item, should kuwarta418's violations negatively affect my sale, without redundant charges.
thank you,

-sbgibson2001

I'm sorry that I had to call in the fuzz, Kuwarta, especially on Christmas, but you had to see it coming. I mean, when I realized that I broke the rules and offended you... I stopped. You just keep on violatin'. Kinda' like some kinda' misguided, ebay vigilante. It might verge on admirable... if it weren't so sad.
If I catch wind of any further contact with my bidders, I will forward it directly to ebay.
stay cool,
-sbgibson2001

What did I say? Idiotic, right?

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Kurwata418: The Saga Continues

Got a new question posted late yesterday concerning my auction listing from the angry Handycam photographer, Kurwata418.

Q: My guess is that you are either too lazy or lack the imagination to come-up with your own idea for presenting an auction. Next time use your own photo and if you can use your own imagination. Getting a reputation as an Ebay thief is not how to keep feedback at 100%.

Ouch! Now come on, buddy. Me... a "thief?" Plus, I never knew that ebay awarded prizes to the most imaginative auctions! I always thought of it as a place to score a quick and easy buck from crap you were gonna throw out anyway. Evidently, I've been wasting my imagination, time and energy at my job and not applying myself when it comes to ebay. Hmmm... anyway, here's my reply:

A: First off... congratulations on your awesome imagination that enables you to LIST CAMCORDER FEATURES. I have no doubt that you'll parlay that skill into a career as a great writer. Secondly... feedback has to do with what the buyer receives and how it is received, plain and simple. I already have a reputation on ebay that I have cultivated over many years from people who have gotten exactly what they paid for.
Now, unless you're planning to bid on my item (there's a great pic of EVERYTHING included in auction #220063512664) please refrain from using the "question" feature to harass me. It's the holidays. Go have a cup of nog and interact with some real people.
feliz navidad,
-sbgibson2001

So far, I haven't gotten a new reply, but I'm sure that it's just because this idiot is trying real hard to come up with something good. When it inevitably shows up, I'll post it here. In the meantime, if you want to check out the offerings from s uch a stellar ebay seller... you can check out his listings here.

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This Core Has Gotten Soft!

American Hardcore
(2006)

Growing up in the smallest of Midwestern small towns in the late eighties and nineties (the leanest of lean years for punk rock) we didn't have any kind of "scene" to speak of, so a person dissatisfied with the offerings of MTV and radio had to actively seek out music that was outside of the mainstream. In middle school, I was already into Devo and the Ramones and got turned on to the Misfits by a like minded friend. Soon, I was full-fledged punker in a world where punkers were few and far between. In American Hardcore, The Zero Boys' Paul Mahern comments on this exact idea saying that in the mid-west we didn't have anyone paving the way. We had to "dig the well" ourselves. So, as you can see Midwesterners are the only true punks.

But then, as the movie goes on, we learn in interviews with the most important names in punk that this can't possibly be true. Westcoasters were the only true punk rockers... they started the hardcore movement. Oh wait, what about DC and the straight edgers? Latinos? Queers? Yup, in American Hardcore they're all, to one degree or another, credited as being the one and only embodiment of punk. Even with a relatively short running time of 100 minutes, the parade of self-importance gets tiresome pretty quickly.

Don't get me wrong. If you're into punk rock, there's a lot to love about American Hardcore. The performance footage in this film has to rank up there with some of the rarest concert footage ever committed to celluloid. Plus, there's just something that makes me smile about seeing third and fourth generation bootleg videos of basement gigs blown up to fit on the big screen. Now that's punk rock. It's obvious that director Paul Rachman has a deep love of all things punk and d.i.y. The movie appropriately looks and feels as if, much like Minor Threat's earliest seven inches, it was manually assembled by loving hands. It's like a Kinko'd show flyer brought to life. Few films give the motion graphic artists significant billing, but in this case it is obvious t hat John Vondracek's work is the heart and soul of the film.

Of course American Hardcore has more than its fair share of talking heads outlining the history and philosophy of the hardcore movement. As you'd expect, Henry Rollins and Ian MacKaye are pretty informative and objective. The aforementioned Mahern and The Circle Jerks' frontman Keith Morris also serve to highlight a story that snakes from one end of the country to the other and back again in no discernible pattern. All is intertwined with the history of a single hardcore band, Bad Brains. As the elder statesmen of the movement, the Brains seemed to orchestrate the hardcore movement, grooming young bands, teaching them the ropes, and eventually even showing them when it was time to grow up and move on.

American Hardcore is an interesting film for the rare footage and historical perspective it provides, but for real insight into the philosophy of punk, I'd look elsewhere. In a trailer for a completely unrelated punk rock film, Ian MacKaye bemoans those who would claim ownership of a concept as undefinable as punk. But time and time again that's what you get in this film. These are grown men who peaked at fourteen, refusing to recognize anyone carrying on the d.i.y. legacy today. Look around, fellas. The independent spirit is more alive today than ever before. From music, to print, even... independent movies! These guys need to realize that you can't claim your own role in shaping history until you validate the new generation. Check out the trailer.

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Rising Up to the Challenge of Our Rival!

Rocky Balboa
(2006)

Because my formative years were the early to mid-80s, my opinions of Rocky Balboa (the character, not the film) will forever be tainted by the third and fourth installments of the series. Is that good or bad? It's hard to say. I mean, at the time I loved those movies. The third one features Rocky facing off with Mr. T AND Hulk Hogan (Richard Belzer being the only other person to accomplish this) and in the fourth one he single-handedly ends the Cold War. What more could pre-pubescent boy ask for? If I were to re-watch these movies today, I'm sure that I'd be more than a little disappointed. They're pretty hokey. Dolph Lundgren's Ivan Drago character is about one mutant gene away from being ripped directly from the pages of Marvel, but by the fourth movie where else could have they gone with the Rocky story. The only worthy opponent would have been God himself. That's why Rocky V bit the big one. I mean, Tommy Gunn... please.

The awesome part about Rocky Balboa is not that his opponent is an unstoppable punching machine. Sure, Mason "The Line" Dixon (Antonio Tarver) is an undefeated heavyweight champ, but questions abound as whether that is due to skill or a dearth of worthy contenders. No, what makes the movie interesting is the fact that time has stripped Rocky of everything that made him a great fighter to begin with. Strength? Gone. Speed? Gone. His loving and supportive wife, Adrian? Yes, she's gone too. The only thing he has left is a faint burning in his gut that tells him that he still has things to prove in the ring.

When ESPN stages a fight between CGI versions of Rocky in his prime and current champ Mason Dixon, the nation is thrilled to see Balboa win. The results fuel the disdain for Dixon and help to renew interest in the Italian Stallion. In an astoundingly believable turn of events, an exhibition match is set up between Rocky and Dixon. Yes, I said "believable." I don't care how old he is. You know those Golden Palace folk could pull that off (c'mon... Uwe Boll, anyone?).

Now don't get me wrong. The movie has its flaws. The relationship between Rocky and his son is hardly fleshed out at all. We get a hint of Rocky Jr.'s frustration early in the film, but he essentially goes from having complete contempt for his father to serving as cornerman over the course of a single scene. Also, the "love interest" seemed a little forced and, in the end, unclear. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that the character Little Marie (Geraldine Hughes) is supposed to be a "love interest" at all. She certainly fills the void left by Adrian, but the relationship seems to be a creepy mix husband/wife and brother/sister dynamics. Weird stuff.

When all is said and done, however, this film is probably a more deserving sequel to the original film than any of the other four films in the series. In Rocky Balboa, thirty years after the fact, we have gotten the perfect post-script to the Rocky saga. We didn't need superhuman Russians or be-mohawked baddies. All we needed was the same underdog and the same spirit of determination that we were introduced to in 1976.

Check out the trailer here.

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Kurwata418 Has a Posse!

So, I sell something on ebay about five or six times a year. I'm a casual user of the site at best. When I decided recently to upgrade from my Sony Digital 8 Handycam to a minidv model, I figured I'd go ahead and list it and see what I could get out of it. I still have everything... the manuals, the software, I even have the original box!

So right off the bat, I log on to see exactly how much these bad boys are selling for, and soon I see a guy that has one going for $300! Same situation as me. He has the box, manuals, everything and a picture that shows the whole lot. So... as I've done a million other times on ebay... I ganked the picture... the description (which I doctored a bit) and applied it to my item. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure that ebay has rules against taking someone elses pictures, but let's face it... once his auction was closed, did he need the pics? No. Is it dishonest for me to portray my items as the same as those pictured? No, they are the EXACT same items!

Anyway, the seller of the original item gets all worked up because I used his original photo and starts threatening to cry "fraud" to the ebay cognoscenti and harrass anyone who bids on my Handycam. Then, I start getting emails from a bunch of his ebay buddies.

As it turns out, I am a "lazy" ebayer. True, I guess. So, to rectify the situation (and drive the point home that it was completely stupid for me to take a picture of my own) I staged an original picture of my own items up for auction. I had to clear out space in the library to match up the wooden floor in the original, but it was worth it. The ganked pic is on top. My interpretation is on bottom. Similar stuff, no?

As of my last check of the ole inbox, the guy even got the winning bidder of his own auction in on the action. It's weird and funny to think of people getting so worked up about this type of stuff. With this as a major disruption to thier world, I can only imagine that their holidays are gonna be pretty dismal and lonely. I'll keep you posted on how this all turns out. It's bound to be idiotic.

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April Can't Get Here Fast Enough!

Check out the brand spankin' new trailer for Grindhouse. Seriously, this is gonna be the movie to see of 2007.

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80s Teen Sex Comedy Festival: Part #2

The Last American Virgin
(1982)

As far as straight up 80s sex comedies go, this one is probably the one that I remember more than the other films that I have been reviewing. While I haven't seen it in almost twenty years, back in the day I would watch it every time I came across it on HBO.

I didn't know it at the time, but The Last American Virgin was essentially a remake of the cult Israeli hit, Eskimo Limon that set its sexually charged coming of age tale in the sixties. Producers Golan-Globus brought Limon director Boaz Davidson to the states to work his magic on the American youth culture of the day. The resulting film was not nearly the phenomenon that the original Israeli film, but is still a decent film in a genre with more than its share of turds.

Gary (Lawrence Monoson) is your average high school guy. He works for the local pizza shop and hustles to get the keys to the delivery car on the weekend. Of course, the weekends are what he lives for. Hanging out with his two buddies, the hunky Rick and the chunky David, is top priority. Together, they get themselves in ever more bizarre situations in a seemingly futile quest to "score."

As is the case with most "regular guys" in these movies, Gary's interest in the fairer sex actually goes a bit deeper than just getting them into the backseat of the pizza wagon. In fact, Gary suffers from a classic case of "love at first sight." From afar, he sets his eyes on the beautiful Karen only to find out that Rick has already claimed her for himself. Serious teenage drama ensues, culminating in an end that, even when I was ten years old, made me think, "Damn! That's a downer."

Lawrence Monoson as Gary is a lanky, gawky, shnozz-heavy protagonist and as I was re-watching this movie, I couldn't help but imagine that I was watching some sort of bizarro prequel to Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah, I find it comforting to think that he's a teenage Ray Barone, an everyteen being torn in two by his simultaneous drives to follow his heart and his wang. And I have to say, imagining that he'll eventually settle down with Patricia Heaton and have a happy family life helps me swallow that kick to the groin ending much better.

One thing that Monoson has going for him is the fact that he was 16 during filming, and I can't believe that his buddies were much older. While most "high schoolers" in these types of films are played by actors well into their twenties, it is refreshing to see performers that look the part, but still have the chops to play out some serious teenage drama. Of course, this begs the question, "How much of the awkward reaction to the parade of grinding, half-naked, women the trio encounters was actual 'acting' and how much was just teenagers being awkward teenagers?" My guess is, not much, but then again, does it matter?

This movie has the typical schemes and failed sexual exploits as other films in the genre (i.e. visits to the neighborhood nympho and local prostitute), but the one scene that left me scratching my head was a lockerroom scene in which Gary and David break out rulers and measure an entire gym class worth of man-muscle. Yes, you heard me right. There's a big ole homo-erotic scene featuring highschool boys comparing their "equipment." Seeing Gary and David looking at one another and laughing as a parade of boys in tighty whities step up to display their junk was actually a little bit disturbing. But then again, I'm probably feeling the exact same thing that every woman in the world feels during those scenes where young ladies are randomly hanging out in their skivvies when a pillow fight breaks out. You know, what's good for the goose and all that.

As far as the genre goes, this one is pretty decent. It does a good job at balancing the absurdity and real drama of modern (in the eighties) teenage life and peppering it with the bawdiness we expect from this type of movie. It's no Fast Times, but comes closer to capturing what made that movie classic than any other film of the day.

Shake it up!

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